Closing The Gap
I’m not talking about the GAP, clothing store, or GAAP, Generally Accepted Accounting Principles, but more so of a generation gap. I grew up in a tradition Laotian family where the parents have authority, and the children obey and abide by the rules, (but some of us might violate them at times), definitely a huge generation gap there and many older Laotian parents are still practicing this. Things are changing, and I’ve noticed that many Laotian parents, especially the ones in their 40-50s, that have teenage children are changing their attitude, if you can’t make them…then join them.
I’m not sure what to think, my GI Joe sister is raising her only son as if he is her buddy. She said that the old authoritarian approach to discipline doesn’t work anymore, because in fear of his rebellious, is it not that part of children growing up (I can’t say that I was rebellious toward my parents, I rather skip that stage). She’s obviously a very cool mom, still buying her clothes from cool trendy store like Abercrombie & Fitch, but can she really keep up with him? It’s kind of nice to see that today parents are more youthful in appearance and attitudes, but how far do they have to go to fit in, is it to the extreme of partying with your children and their friends, and acting and talking like them.
As my GI Joe sister was explaining to me of what she is doing, “you have to be one of their friends, and then they’ll tell you everything.” Sort of reverse psychology I think, but do you really want to know everything. I kind of feel like she needs to be the adult, and being his friend didn’t seem to help because at times, I’d feel the frustration in her voice, and I think a concern as to whether he will ever grow up to become an adult.
I understand that time has change, that the ‘good old days’ when parents ruled and children kept their mouth(s) shut are over, but drastic change to being your children’s peer is a bit much. Assuming that you’ve teenage children, what approach would you take as a parent?
I think parents should act like parents and not trying to be friends with their kids. It doesn’t work as in the case of my family. My parents tried to be strict with my siblings, but that didn’t work because they started too late, during the teenage years. It doesn’t help either if you treat your children differently. They see that and will use it to their advantages.
Taking an active part in the lives of your children start young I think. My parents didn’t do that. They went to work and came home and thought that was enough. I was the one taking care of everything at home from cooking and cleaning and from making sure my siblings would do their home work. Non of them did chores because my father (step-father) won’t let them do anything. Boys don’t clean he said. Then the youngest baby shouldn’t do anything. She must be treated like a princess. He wouldn’t let my mother yell at my siblings. He wanted to treat his kids special and be friends with them. Now they run the family.
When it comes to punishment I was the ones doing that by giving them time out. My parents are good at making threats with no actions to follow. Of course my siblings will not tell them everything. Yes, they can talk about fun stuff with their parents and laugh and joke all day. They can go shopping with mommy and help each other pick out clothes. But they couldn’t even tell her anything that is serious about life.
When I came here my parents blamed me for abandoning the family and would often called to have me tell my siblings what to do because they listen to me (according to my parents). It might have worked in the past but not anymore. I am their sister not their parents. When things go bad my parents said it if my fault for not being there.
One big problem I see in our community is that many Laotians are not self sufficient, especially the males. If you don’t teach your children to be self sufficient then they will always run to you for help. I’ve seen some Laotians in their late 30’s and 40’s that went back to live with their retired parents and brought their wives and kids with them. These guys can’t hold a decent jobs and spend all days watching TV and drinking beers. They came to the US in the 70’s and early 80’s and their parents worked hard and gave them everything like buying cars and such. But their parents forgot to teach them how to take care of themselves. They don’t know how to cook or clean because they never had to do that since they had an older sister who took care of everything.
If not then there are people that have all sons that don’t know how to do anything because mommy took care of everything. There are many Laotian guys a few years older than me that can’t take care of themselves either because mommy took care of everything. Mommy helped to buy a car, mommy helped to find a wife. In the end mommy had to take care of the grand kids too.
I don’t know what kind of a parent I will make but from watching the Nanny Show, I think children need discipline and order and some sort of structure in their lives. They will start to test their boundary when they are young and will expand the line and eventually will cross it. I don’t believe in physical discipline. Most of the time beating up your kids will not even work like in the case of one brother. My mother often beat him in Laos when he didn’t go to school. That didn’t help and it didn’t help in the US either. Of course now that he is married with four kids and with parenting lesson from my mother he is beating his own kids. His wife who is from Laos also believes in hitting the children. I still have not seen the improvements in the kids with all the beatings. When their kids become teenagers I can see them calling the cops on their parents.
Perhaps, that is why my mother didn’t discipline my other siblings, added with pressure from my father to not say anything bad to his kids, let alone hitting them. But you don’t have to beat your kids to get them to obey you. I was never physically punished by my parents. I learned by watching others and took their mistakes as lessons.
There is no perfect recipe for raising kids. If you can have it all, be their buddy and parent, then it’s great.
Hi Darly, thanks for sharing your story, I came upon this, but not sure if it qualifies as a poem, but it’s something to think about. I don’t think there is one right or wrong way of parenting and what works for one, might not work for others.
Children Learn What They Live (1998)
by Dorothy Law Nolte
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
Darly, it seems that your story is a classic case of Cinderella, have you find your prince charming yet.
I’ve read a lot that parents are bias when it comes to their own children, especially when the steps are involved. I often heard from my oldest sister when she fought with my parents that she must be adopted, which I couldn’t imagine because she is very molely like my dad, but kid (even adult) will say stuff like that to hurt the one(s) that they love, looking back now, I sometimes wonder if she’s ever regretted of what she said to my mom. When things are out of control, we’ve the tendency to blame other people because most of us don’t feel that we could possibly have said or done anything wrong. It’d be nice to stop and think of what we said to others, in your parents situation, they’ve to be a bit more firm with your siblings I’m afraid, and shouldn’t have blamed you or made you feel guilty. Now I understand why you sometimes feel a bit bitter toward your parents. 
Only if you knew half of the story. I don't think I resent my parents. I used to want them to say sorry to me. But now I don't expect such a thing and I feel free.
It's easier to put blame on someone else. That way you don't have to feel responsible for anything. Then you can't be wrong because someone else did something wrong or didn't do something right.
I don't believe in prince charming. No one can save me, only myself.
Yes, totally agree with you, at the end… you only have yourself.